post some witty jokes that will make someones day again...witty and funny jokes, not some Space Junk material, no yo momma jokes either ill start: A heart surgeon died, at his burial, he was in a heart shaped casket. Doc1: I don't think I'm going to do the same to my casket. Doc2: Why? Doc1: I'm a gynecologist.
I'd totally be buried in a *female genitalia* based casket. If you are what you eat you were what you excrete.
I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.
I love that movie. Ordered the novel last night just cause. EDIT: The way you wrote that, it needs to be spoken in a Russian accent.
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender. "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and pee into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop." The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began peeing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could pee all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
I would put some in, but every time i go to.. they seem either 1. really offensive or 2. really gross
a woman just gave birth to a boy and girl twins, she was weak so she couldn't take the time to name them so her sister did... woman: MY IDIOT SISTER NAMED MY BABIES?! nurse: yes woman: what did she name them then? nurse: the girl's name is Denise woman: oh... Denise sounds pretty good, and the boy? nurse: Denephew
oh gawd jiffie her sister is an idiot she name the girl denise almost = to de-niece and the boy is named deNEPHEW geddit?
I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains. -space pirate best joke yet
@bralbers....my teacher told me that joke but it was a little different...all the way up till the man went in the back to play some cards.... I think it went like this,...but be warned that I am not the funny one... Ummm...So the bar tender said "Aww you screwed me again" so the guy said " ok then I'll give you all your money back and I bet I can put that shot glass at the very end of the bar and spit in it from the opposite end..." so the bar tender knew it was inpossible so he accepted it but the man said "But you must give me 3 tries" so the bar tender said "ok" so the man tried it and the first time he landed far away, the second try was a little closer but still too far away, and the third try was closer but still to far. So then the bar tender pulled out his rag wipe up the spit, smiled, and said "well I kew you couldn't make it" and the man smiled, and laughed. The bar tender said what's so funny, the man said "well see I just bet that man $500 that I could come in here spit all up and down you bar and you would smile while wiping it up"
Hmm sosomeone knows my jokes? I shall come up with a better one in 3..2...ah screw it here it is: There were these twins, Jim and John. Jim was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Jim's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible." Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottoms was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle" The old woman fainted.
