The story went so fast and random stuff just pops up in certain parts but I must say I love the action and the drama in here. Worth reading and voting. EDIT: Too bad, it didn't have a title.
i like the fact it didn't have a title, it kind of give the feeling that such evens are really ordinary for the terrans in the struggle against zergs. so much so that it didn't really warrant title
interesting story - fast paced action... some spots could've used a re-read and edit tho... like, how did he run into the fray if his leg was broken? and things like this could've been worded better: it sounded funny to repeat the exact same phrasing - would've been nicer to say something like: "he paused for a second, trying to think how to continue" overall, it was entertaining tho, I never lost interest
I was at one point an English education major so forgive me if I'm critical. You paint a nice picture, yet your grammatical and spelling errors are VERY distracting. Some lines are redundant; or even worse, not at all necessarily to begin with. Balloted is not the same word as bloated. A grievously careless error. One among many careless errors that should have been picked up in a proof reading. I'm sorry, there are a great deal of very simple mistakes a middle school kid could point out. (I apologize if English is not your first language. Completely different story if that is the case.) I really like that line. You've done very well adding a quick interesting bit of action there. It's probably the best choice of words you used. "...it was blown in half by the force of a Siege Tank’s cannon." is far better than say, "...it was killed by a Siege Tank's blast." Many early writers use unimaginative prose to tell you what happened instead of SHOWING (describing) what happened. You didn't, that's great. Could have been better (less cumbersome), but it was more than I had expected after reading the first paragraph. I think it really shows some natural talent. I also like the fact that Oakley takes time to salute the driver despite the heated battle. It gives the character some depth; or flavor if you will. Best of all, you show the character's personality via his actions. You could have just wrote: "Oakley was a dedicated commander. A man of real honor, he respected and appreciated his men." I don't care what verbose language one might use to write that line. Telling the reader what kind of a person a character is makes for bland writing that leaves out the reader. If you're serious about writing, keep at it. Most of your mistakes are very simple and easily corrected with practice.
As BloodHawk said the language is awful at some points and the start of the Zerg attack (when they find the dead marines) is really weird, it just comes in suddenly. But otherwise it's a really thrilling and interesting read. Good job!
Becaus the voting is over, I hope i can respond to this now. This was my first piece of writing that I've veer done that I didn't have to do for school. And even thought english is my first language, I don't get the best marks (Usually 60s, 80s if im lucky). Thanks for your feedback and I will take into account everything you said if I ever write a story again. And as for the part where he ran into the fray with a broken leg, I didn't realize what i had writing until I read it posted here. Lets just say in his last heroic act, he managed to forget the pain and charge into the zerg.
