Re: 2) Untitled

Discussion in 'The Arts' started by BnechbReaker, Oct 11, 2007.

Re: 2) Untitled

Discussion in 'The Arts' started by BnechbReaker, Oct 11, 2007.

  1. BnechbReaker

    BnechbReaker New Member

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    cool story, there aren't many about the protoss
     
  2. ijffdrie

    ijffdrie Lord of Spam

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    this story doesnt feel really like protoss, if you said it were terran it might work, but protoss share a mind link remember, they already know everything, and protoss celebrities?
     
  3. NateSMZ

    NateSMZ New Member

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    Re: 2) The Lost Shuttle

    protoss + bill & teds excellent adventures

    it had its moments.. I laughed at the comment about oxygen atmosphere... but I got kinda bored in parts too...
     
  4. BloodHawk

    BloodHawk Member

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    Re: 2) The Lost Shuttle

    Some parts were funny.
    Most of it seemed like a badly written soap opera.

    The surprise ending really works best when your readers give a shit about the characters or situation.

    Learn how to structure dialog.
     
  5. Patuljak

    Patuljak New Member

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    Re: 2) The Lost Shuttle

    A cool story, but it has it's flaws. It's too long and poorly written at some parts and, because of it, it couldn't keep my interest all the time. It also doesn't feel protoss, they're mystic, proud beings, not marines. Also, as far as I know, they don't breathe (I'm talking about the part when the shuttle crashes on the moon). I think I understand that you wanted to make the story and characters symphatic and funny with the language and dialogs but I personally don't like that in protoss stories. It's like night elves talking in ghetto sleng. As someone else said, if you picked terran it could work. On the other hand, I really liked some parts, like when the arbiter catches the scourges in the statis field or the broodling at the end (that part was fantastic), the Lenny and Chuck zealots, and not to forget the beginning of the story - really like the idea of them exploring a planet and such. All in all, a good effort and a good read, but not enough for my vote. Don't give up though!