Well, I love tragidies but stories that end in a meaningless suicide always leave a bad taste in my mouth. Nothing the author can do about that though. It's just not the type of story I enjoy. One actuall critique I have for the author is that the story left me a bit confused at the beginning. I think it would have been a bit better if some more detail had been included in the start so the reader isn't left wondering what is going on for about three quarters of the story. Once you know the end the rest makes sense and I personally don't mind a bit of mystery as to what is happening. However, the initial part of this story was a bit too vague.
i loved everything up to the middle bit, everything untill 'he looked around'. after that i personally think the writing went downhill. A bit too much he did this, he did that, she was he was. That first half though i did enjoy and thats what you want i assume, people to enjoy reading what you've written. good effort, dont stop writing. *EDIT, as to what Quanta said, i actualy think this vagueness at the beggining of the story is what made me continue reading. It was a mystery you made appealing to learn. I think this was a good thing.
Much agreed that the mystery aspect hooks you in. The choice of words is fantastic. You say only what is needed and you break thoughts at the perfect points. I didn't much care for the suicide at the end. Considering the SC universe I understand....It's just something that's always seemed like a trite way to end a story. You read through all this absolutely amazing imagery wondering whats done? What's going on? Then; oh....he kills himself in anguish over killing Kerigan...that's sorta boring. I was expecting a much better ending consider what I had read up to the final bit there. Still my favorite story so far by leaps and bounds, great job.
One thing I did find interesting, is that it never actually says that Jim committed suicide... it just says he used his pistol one more time... the reader is left to decide what he used it on
Cool story! I enjoyed the whole mystery aspect, always been attracted to that kind of stories. The way he kills her is kinda naive though, I don't think it would have been as easy for him. But the structure is great, the choice of words is very good, although it do goes downhill after "he looked around" it doesn't go downhill so much to ruin the story. You made a very enjoyable story and you just might get one of my votes! And nate, it actually says he's done at the end, so I think it's pretty obvious that he shot himself.
This was mine... I don't really like what I did - typed it up at work, shoulda thought about the concept more, as far as making it more understandable... anyway - I'm allowed to insult my own work =]
